Harry Potter and the HalfWit Prince
by Aerakine
Summary: Who is the strange new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher? Can an angsty Harry withstand his constant urges to kill himself and everyone around him? And will my bad writing be hidden by this strange, plotless parody? Read on and find out!
1. Prologue

Hello, and welcome to my very first fanfic! Yes, this strange work is indeed a story, and not just a jumbled script trying to pass itself off as a true story. Indeed, though script format is fun, I think writing a parody as a narrative is much more entertaining. So, read on, have fun, and don't play pool with parrots, as it results in nasty effects.

_Disclaimer_

A wizard stepped into the dark, dank room. He raised his wand, and cried, "_Disclaimerous Appearum_!" Following that, letters became etched in the air, and they read:

_The world and characters of Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling._

0

"_Prologue to 'Harry Potter and the Half-Wit Prince'"_

Once upon a time there was a prince who lived in England. His name was George Tumbledin the 5th. He was the most handsome, intelligent prince to grace the earth. He had tons of FANGIRLS who loved him for his abs and sheer intellect. One day, he was outside in his garden and some stupid wizard with buck teeth and… thinning hair came up to him.

"You're pretty," the wizard blorged, then took out his magic wand and cried, "_CHATSPEAKIUS N00BEN!_"

The curse the old man used changed the prince forever. His English faded away, being replaced with words like, "OMG" and "lol", with no punctuation. His intelligence was replaced with greed for items like devil tails and nitemare miniwings. His handsomeness turned to noob-like qualities, such as only wearing underpants, shirts and hats.

Whatever became of the prince? Some say he wanders England, lonely and stupid, searching for the spell to cure him… Except, that he doesn't know what the BEEP he is looking for.

A/N: So, now you kind of know what's going on.

…

Okay, you don't. Read Chapter one, dammit! I didn't write it for nothing!

Now, for my real notes:

1. "_nitemare miniwings, devil tails, underwear, pants and hats_" - What I'm making fun of here is the n00bs on this one anime community called "Gaiaonline." Plenty of n00bs join up and ask for money, items, etc. from "rich" people.

2. "_Fangirls" -_ Though it may be obvious, 'fangirls' are fans who go gaga over someone. They stalk them, or have posters, maybe sometimes they'll save pictures of them, etc. There are a few types, but I'd have to say my favourite is Crying fan girls. Here's a little explanation of them:

-Crying Fangirls: Likely the funniest kind of Fangirl. When the person they love appears, they'll start to cry and say "Omigawd! It's so-and-sooo!"

Well, I don't plan to do authors notes for every chapter, but only for some that I think need explanations.

Don't flame me yet!


	2. The Boy Who Failed

1

"_The Boy Who Failed_"

****"Damn it!" The boy called Harry Potter cursed. He was looking at a test he had just taken in History of Magic. He read it from the top:

_History of Magic Test: F_

_Poo on you._

Harry made a face similar to this: OO;;, then crumpled up the test and shoved it in his pocket.

"Harry!" Hermione Granger cried, "You don't ever crumple up tests! It makes you look stupid."

"Oh shut up, Hermione," Harry shot back furiously. He made a rude hand sign at her, then at Dumbledore, then Hagrid, as well as Snape, who immediately shot him in the head. After Ron had removed the bullet and healed him, he reassured Harry,

"A Fail isn't that bad. At least you don't live with _him,_" Ron pointed to the house elf Dobby, who was now the richest… thing in the world.

"'Ello ello," Dobby said as he put his pinkie to the corner of his mouth, "Just wondering if you wanted to pop by for a spot of tea." Harry began to cry as hatred for life began to flow through him. He pulled out a handy knife and began to stab himself furiously with it.

"Nooooooo!" Hermione screamed, "_Healo! HEALO!_"

"_Invinceibus Tomyselfus,_" Ron chanted, and Harry gained an invisible shield so he could no longer stab himself.

"I WANT TO DIIIIE!" Harry screamed, so Snape came along with a 4X4 car and smacked Harry so hard, his face caved in. Harry screamed as blood poured from his now bleeding thing that used to be a face.

"_Faceius Healius!_" Ron spelled. Harry began to cry, as now his death had been again foiled. Suddenly, a sound was heard in the depths of the girl's bathroom.

"_IIIIIIIII got no strings to hold me up,_" the eerie voice sang. Harry jumped at the voice.

"Another chance for suicide! ONWARD!" He cried, then pulled out Griffindor's sword and started hacking off heads of passing students in the way of the bathroom. Loud, booming music played as he did so, until it was shot by the famous gunslinger Snape, who also loved to aim at heads and such, so Harry's hacking-fest brought him much rejoicing.

In the bathroom, Harry dove into a toilet in vain attempts to drown himself, but it was too late- Hermione had stuffed Gillyweed down his throat.

"DAMN!" He screamed in annoyance.

"Shh!" Hermione shushed, "We can't get caught spying."

"I'll have to agree," agreed Ron, "so let's be quiet and listen."

Harry now had his head stuffed in a toilet so he could breathe, but used an extendable ear to here what was going on.

"…So, from our last meeting, it seemed we were-

PLOTTING TO KILL HARRY POTTER. MWA HA HA HA!" A familiar voice cackled.

"But how will be do dat, boss?" A stupid, familiar voice asked stupidly.

"Didn't you read the memos, Goyle!" The other voice snapped.

"Harry!" Hermione gasped, "It's Malfoy! And he wants to ki-"

"Shut up!" Ron shushed her, "Don't mention D-E-A-T-H around Harry, or he might try something. Now listen!"

Malfoy continued on.

"So, I guess I have to explain this AGAIN," he groaned.

"Yeah boss," Crabbe then added.

"Huh huh. Huh huh," Goyle dimly laughed.

Malfoy sighed angrily, then continued. "First, we were to drive him insane by forcing him to play pool with an intelligent parrot, then we were going to beat him with pomegranates until he breathes no more!" He grinned, "Brilliant, I'd say."

"Huh huh, yeah, boss," Crabbe guffawed.

Harry suddenly realized what the three villains were talking about. He popped out of the toilet, a fishbowl over his head, filled with water so he could breathe, then spurted, "You wanna kill me?"

"Harry… goood," Malfoy grinned, "time to die! BRING IN THE PARROT!"

A Parrot with a Capitan's hat came in, holding a pool stick thing. It grinned, and started beating 8 balls and 9 balls into the pockets of the pool table. Harry furiously fought with it, all the while screaming, "WHY CAN'T I DIE?"

Hermione was scared for Harry, as she knew it would be his doom, and there was nothing she could do.

"Harry!" she cried, "I love you!" Then, Malfoy also cried out.

"Hermione, I love you!"

The chorus of "I love you's" and feelings being admitted were so cheesy and every-Harry-Potter-fanfic-has-this-sort-of-crap-except-making-out-is-involved-and-I-shall-not-stoop-that-lowness, the author vomited, then erased the remainder of the story involving "special feelings."

As the feud that did not include "special feelings" continued, there was much violence that had to be censored out.

All of a sudden, Dumbledore went on the announcements.

_"Ahem," _he began, _"I would like you all to pay attention. We now have a new Defence Against the Dark Art's teacher, Professor OMG. We hope you enjoy him, and now I have to go steal food from the kitchens. Giggle Shnot, everyone."_

The PA turned off, and all of the students rushed out of the washroom to meet the teacher.

"ZOMG its studnts!111!one!" Professor OMG n00bed, as he looked around stupidly.

"What an odd teacher," Harry muttered.

"Indeed," Ron agreed sheepishly, "Let's talk with him."

"Hello, Professor," Harry greeted.

"OMG the chsn 1 that dosnt cum round evry dy lol" he burbled.

"Uhh… Harry?" Ron was confused, "What's he saying?"

"Obviously," Hermione began, "he's talking in 'chat speak,' the newest craze."

"Where does it come from?" Harry asked.

"Internet," a random student piped up.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Ron ohed.

Suddenly, Professor OMG turned to Harry and asked, "Omg, I need u 2 help me."

Not yet… no flames… read on…


	3. STFUium

2

"_STFU-ium"_

"What?" Harry piped-up, wondering what the n00b teacher would want from him.

"Omg lyke u haf 2 help me get 2 my classroom lol." he again n00bed in n00bese.

"Oh," Harry responded, "but first I must kill myself." He ran forward to a fireplace, and stuck his head in. But it was too late.

"AQUA DOUSESS!" Ron shouted, and the fire went out.

"DAMN!" Harry yelled. Before long, they had all gotten to the Defence Against the Dark Arts room, and the students had pulled out their books.

"Omg u don't need those" The Professor stated. "today were learning abt the spell STFUium."

"What's 'STFU-ium?" Harry asked Ron.

"No clue. Is it a spell?" Ron returned.

"I think it means, 'Shut the fuck up,'" Hermione added.

"But what does that have to do with Defence Against the Dark Arts?" Harry put in. "But isn't that-"

"STFU, U FUCKIN N00BS!11!1+2!eleven" OMG bellowed. Harry, Hermione and Ron jumped 18.6 meters into the air, crashing through the ceiling, then falling gently back into their seats. Harry began to stare at Lavender Brown after they fell back down.

"U-um… sorry…Professor…" Ron stuttered, staring at Harry's now red eyes and the Professor Omg. Harry's homicidal stare made Lavender anxious, so she began to put barrier spells on herself. Suddenly, out of the blue, Harry shouted out a spell.

"AVADA KEDEVARA!" He screamed, and Lavender hit the floor without a sound, and a green flash lit the room. All of the other students ran like maniacs around the room, all the while making faces like so:

OO;;, n , O.O, - n -.

How very interesting, when suddenly, Harry woke from this odd character he had become.

"What the-? What is this?" He wondered, "Where am I?"

Then, the author came in, and reverted him back to his homicidal/suicidal character.

"DIE EVERYONE!" He screamed. Hermione then began a round of the chicken dance, and Malfoy the bunny hop. The dance-off was furious. Students randomly began to drop dead from Harry's Avada Kedevara craze. For every time a green flash lit up the room, another student dropped dead. Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, Seamus Finnigan… the deaths were enormous.

"If I can't kill myself," Harry began psychotically, "I'll just murder EVERYONE AROUND ME!" Soon enough, he had one just that, and the only ones left alive were Harry, Ron, Hermione, the Professor, and Malfoy, who had turned his tail and fled. Harry was breathing heavily, as he had used up all the dark magic he could for the next month.

"DAMN!" He screeched again. It seemed now he could never die…

Okay, you can flame me now. I DARE you.

(If not, chapter three will be up soon!)


	4. One and the Same

3

"_One in the Same"_

It had taken awhile to revive everyone, but it turned out that a sip of butterfly sperm mixed with griffon ass brush hair can cure the dead. Unfortunately, all the sperm had been wasted on reviving the parrot that had threatened Harry's life before, so it took awhile to procure some more.

Deep in the dungeons, Draco Malfoy (whom I have so lovingly nicknamed Muffy from this point forward…for awhile) was plotting his infectious, nefarious plot that would curl even Snape's greasy hair. He was throwing contents of a package labelled "Smarmy Crochicuss' Biggo-Wiggo Haemorrhoids" into a fat crystal cauldron. In it, green contents bubbled and smoked red smoke that gave off noxious fumes that would kill in an instant. However, Muffy was quite the horrible potion brewer, and it merely stunk.

He ladled some of the potion into a sippy-cup. "When I have HARRY POTTER drink this," He cried, "he'll die!" He then screeched like a banshee, tossing his blonde hair back. Suddenly, he felt very silly, so he took a picture of his true love and bit it apart. The picture was of…

Suddenly, Harry, Hermione and Ron came floundering into the dungeon. How they floundered? Do not ask. It wasn't a very simple task.

Anyway, Muffy stared into Harry's eyes, and screamed, "I LOVE YOU!" While tossing his luxurious blonde hair back. It was quite nice, actually, styled oh so carefully. Spiked, curled, dyed, you name it. Harry gazed upon Muffy with the greatest mount of love he had ever felt. Muffy looked prettier than Cho, Hermione, Fleur, and Ginny all butchered then lopped together again, which, in fact, wasn't very pretty and looked rather strange. They took their robes off, then, someone who was reminding the author to not have special feelings or inappropriate content in the story smacked her over the head with a copy of a magazine featuring Duran Duran, causing her to trot back along the topic and rub the newly formed bump on her head fiercely.

After beating and violently forcing the boys into clothing, the author set them on the correct path, then introduced another character, who is…

SEIFER!

Yes, indeed, because the author could, she did.

Suddenly, Seifer ran into the dungeons, gobbling ferociously, all the while killing anyone in his way. When he saw Harry and co., he threw a table on the ground, procured a chair, a tea set, and a small stereo that quietly played some of Nirvana's soft and pretty album "Nevermind."

"Hello, there," he said through sips of tea, "I'm looking for a hottie named Squall Leonhart. Have you seen him?"

Yes, you must all have realized it by now. It's such an amazing fact, I almost wrote a poem about it. For those of you who don't know, I'll go right out and state it. What could the fact be? Do you really know it? Am I leading you on? It is, in fact, that Professor OMG is…

Not Squall. In fact, Mr. Leonhart isn't featured in this story at all. He did write a novel, which you should definitely read. I cried the whole way through, and, well, back on topic.

"No," Harry responded calmly and non-sui/homicidal, however when the author made that comment Harry immediately tried and failed to kill himself.

Then, Hermione, being the clever one, realized the OTHER amazing fact. And that was that Seifer and Malfoy were the same person! They both had the same hair, and Muffy had suddenly developed a growth on his nose that resembled Siefer's scar.

"Y-you and Malfoy… you're the same person!" she cried. Ron observed the pair.

"Dear Lord, she's right!" he gasped while pressing is hand to his heart. Suddenly, he realized he was physically touching his heart, which resulted in him fainting. Seamus Finnigan appeared and rolled his eyes, then used a simple charm to wake Ron up, after which he randomly disappeared

"Thank you," he said as he dusted himself off.

After that random piece, Seifer took a mirror out, looked in it, then looked at Malfoy. His expression suddenly changed to horror.

"I-I… l-look like… HIM!" He shouted as he pointed a shaking finger at Malfoy. Muffy screamed.

"H-he's my… TWIN!" he shook his head and fell to the floor in horror.

"Plus," Hermione added, "you're both featured in slash fan fiction."

"Holy crooooooow," Harry crooned, "She's riiiiiiight." Everyone stared at him as though he was crazy, which was probably true. He was very strange and silly.

"Um, changing the subject," Seifer interjected, "do any of you know who Squall Leonhart is?"

"No," the other's replied in unison.

"Alas, then I shall have to kill you," he said as he raised his gunblade.

Suddenly, the door burst open.

"OMG!11!" Suddenly, Professor OMG wobbled in, screaming at the students. "Dun tlk 2 dat gy hes bad lol" he n00bated, "wach kidz this iz n eggsample of STFUium"

"N-no!" Seifer cried, "I'm not part of the parody! I'm a knight! A cameo appearance!"

"2 bad, stan," the Professor n00bled. Then, he raised his wand, and cried, "STFU, u FUCKIN N00B!121!1!"

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and what had been Seifer was a guy with funny eyes and hair standing only in peasant's gear."can i have sum guld?" He n00bmickfied.


	5. The Spoiler Chapter

4

"_The Spoiler Chapter"_

_Please read the entire warning start to finish before you continue reading, even if you have read all the books. It's very important you listen to every word._

WARNING: If you haven't yet completed ALL of the Harry Potter books, I advise you skip this chapter over. It's filled with complete nonsense, and has nothing to do with the main storyline of "The Half-Wit Prince," and it mostly fore-shadows. But, it still is spoiling, and when I say ALL HARRY POTTER BOOKS, I mean ALL OF THEM, not just 1 and 6, or 2 and 4, but that you've read 1-6 all the way through, because a spoiler is a spoiler no matter how small. In fact, this is the chapter in which I let out all my inklings to spoils if the Harry Potter books, so you'd find out who dies, who's in love, why people do stuff, spells, etc.

But, if you don't want to listen to my warning, that's up to you. You can go on to find out who dies, who's in love, why people did stuff, spells, etc. Perhaps you can kill time by reading other fan fiction. You don't have to read this chapter, y'know. Or maybe you can finish the other books.

However, I really suggest you don't read this chapter if you haven't read all the books and the warning and aren't willing to take a risk at what you might find. In fact, I might only spoil the fifth book, and you I-haven't-read-the-sixth-bookers will be fine. But, you never know. I might spoil all of them.

Before you make your final decision, I suggest you decide how much you're willing to risk. Do you really care if you find out who dies, who's in love, why people did stuff, spells, etc here? Or do you want to read the books and find out? I suggest the latter. If you don't know what the word "latter" means, the Miriam Webster dictionary may very well be a good place to check, but I'm going to spoil that and tell you that it means "second," "final," "concluding," or in other words my second suggestion. I mean, this isn't some dumb web comic or anime, this is Harry Potter we're talking about. That's something special. And, that's not that I have anything against web comic or anime, in fact, I'm currently making a web comic and I love anime. But, Harry Potter's plot twists and storyline are once in a life time. So think about it.

I remember the first time I had something spoiled. It was a certain event in Final Fantasy VII that takes place at the end of the first disc. It wasn't nearly as bad as it should have been, and the effect wasn't as bad. I'm saying when you read "The Half-Blood Prince" for the first time, you don't want all that ruined by reading a silly fanfic like this. That's a stupid idea, and you as the reader know that.

Now, you should of reached a decision. What are you going to do? I suggest you act like the responsible adult you are and not read this unless you have read all the books.

So, now, get ready! It's time for the Chapter! Scroll down as fast you can…

Umm, well, actually, never mind the threat of spoilers. Chapter's over. Sorry.

That certainly was a load of crap. And, that's why I uploaded the fifth chapter right along side it:D


	6. The Chocola Monster

5

"_The Chocola Monster"_

Harry woke screaming. He cried and screamed loudly for help, but no one came. He was left to cry and scream all alone in his four-poster bed. He saw a silhouette, then he cried and screamed even more. He smelled chocolate, but even that didn't calm his super-charged fear. Then, from behind the window curtain stepped the silhouette! It dashed down the stairs and into the night. However, Harry had no time to cry or scream, as he had suddenly fallen asleep, and the reason for that was his roommates had cursed him since he wouldn't stop yelling.

When Harry woke the next morning, he was shivering. He realized he had a fever, so, in a lame attempt to kill himself, he stole all of the blankets in the room and tried to overheat. Then, Ron woke up.

"Give it a rest, man," he groaned, "You're not going to die any time soon."

"B-but," Harry shook with delight, "I can TRY." He looked at the door, then screamed down the stairs, "Just try it, Chocola! You'll never kill me because I'm dying from a fever!" Then he laughed manically. Dean Thomas stared.

"Is he _crazy_?" He inquired frightfully.

"Probably," Ron answered, "but I think it's his fever. He's likely delusional."

"Ah," Neville nodded.

"Neville," Seamus Finnigan said superiorly, "You have to say 'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' in a silly attempt to revive an old joke." He then rolled his eyes. Neville then ran crying from the room.

"N-no he d-doesn't," Harry shivered, "R-reviving old j-jokes m-makes the au-author s-sound s-silly and un-unoriginal."

"Pshaw," Seamus rolled his eyes again. "I said it was _silly_."

"Indeed, he did," Dean agreed.

Neville burst in, and cried, "I-I think I'm dying! I peed blood, and there was blood in my stool and mucus!" Then he ran to the hospital wing.

Harry shot a nasty glance at the carpet. "Lucky," he muttered. Now, the carpet, may I add, had a lovely gold floral pattern and was coloured a deep burgundy. It was decorated with lions and roses, but the once glorious effect it had was ruined by the Gryffindor 6th year boy's clothing.

Suddenly, the author burst into the room with an…um…15 year old girl.

"Hey, kiddies!" The author smiled/yelled/announced. "My new, random character here has something to say! And, 'cause you readers are all gooses, she's going to be from Ravenclaw, because she's an emo-kid!" Then, she jumped through the glass and ran across the field cackling and running from other authors, since she was obviously making fun of those who did seriously put their OC's into fan fiction. And for those who didn't see that, well, this has nothing to do with that. She's, um…just adding some…um…COMIC RELIEF.

Anyhows, the new girl just looked at the boys, then said sweetly, "Well, the author told me I had something to tell you, and I do have something to say. Well…" She scanned the Gryffindor boys. "GET UP, BITCHES!" she screamed. Then she looked at Harry. "My name's Chocola." Following that statement, she ran down the stairs and back to her own dormitory.

"Umm…That was weird," Ron looked at the others as he stated the obvious. Seamus stared venomously at Ron.

"Of COURSE it was," he shot, "This is a _parody._" He then rolled his eyes, both of which promptly dropped from his skull because of his vigorous eye rolling. He screamed, the jumped through the window where the author had gone.

Suddenly, there was a scream. But, it came from Harry so no one cared.

"Why, though?" he cried at the author, "I'm the lead character! I MATTER!" Harry at that point ran from the room crying and cutting his wrists. He then returned and changed into a long-sleeved shirt.

Harry was wandering the corridors aimlessly. He looked left and saw nothing, then he looked right and saw Dumbledore and Snape having a shoot off. But that didn't matter, since Dumbledore was actually a dream and didn't exist- no, sorry, that's Tidus. Scratch that, rewind that… okay.

He looked right and saw Dumbledore and Snape having a race in 4x4 you: slaps author cars. Harry ran in the way in hopes to be hit, but Hedwig and Pigwidgeon intervened and carried Harry to safety, while Harry sobbed the entire way "Please, just let me die!"

Then he heard a sound. Quiet, at first, but then it grew louder, but Harry didn't see what it was as he was running down the corridor in a frenzied crying spree, though he later found out it was actually Professor Sprout lassoing mandrakes.

Now, at this point in time, Harry had come across Chocola sitting all alone by a random fountain that had popped out of a fissure in the ground which was in Spain and had somehow magically appeared at Hogwarts which - gasp - was in England somewhere but nobody really knew where it was except those who knew where it was since they built it but those people are long dead meaning only the train knows exactly where it is.

"Hooray for run-on sentences!" Chocola cheered. Ignoring this odd comment, Harry stared at her and felt more affection than he had towards Malfoy. Some would ask why he suddenly did, and I would answer that it would be because he is crazy and that she is an OC, meaning he would HAVE to fall in love with her or she would have no purpose in this parody. Then some would ask why that is so, and I would answer that it is because I am also parodying those who write romance/drama fan fiction that includes their OC's that fall in love with the copywrited characters. Then some would ask why, if I was parodying those, why I wouldn't make the character Japanese, and the author would answer that she didn't feel like it. Then some would ask why I refer to myself in first and third person in this parody, but then I would realize nobody had noticed this flaw in my writing until I had pointed it out. Then some would ask why I care, and I would answer that it is because I am truly insane. Then some would ask why, and I would tell them to shut their cake holes and read the story.

As soon as the barrage of questions and answers was completed, Chocola looked up into Harry's sparkling, emerald irises and said, "Hello, Harry." Harry was taken by surprise at the statement. Why would she say hello to him? He flushed, then said, "'lo, Chocola." Chocola smiled.

"You do realize I want to kill you, correct?"

Harry couldn't take it any more. Just a single moment longer, and his chest cavity would implode.

"That is why I love you, Chocola!" he cried.

Suddenly, Squall Leonhart appeared only to smack the author over the head with the same magazine as before, then told her to stop with the special feelings. However, he was cut-off when the author started to chase him about the room and pounced on him, after which she fed him grapes and stroked his hair while he purred happily in her lap, following that a rather frazzled and upset Rinoa dragged him away after punching his lights out and almost Firaga-ing the author.

Anyhows, Chocola stood up and cried, "I love you too, Harry! I shall show my love to you by violently murdering you, but now is not that time." And with that, _she mysteriously left_. _Scaaaaaary. I found the italic button… oooooooo! OoOoOOoooOoOooO OooooOOoooo! So HORRIBIBBLE!_

Harry fell to his knees and cried. Again, his death had been thwarted! Instead of killing himself there, he crouched in the corner and began to cut himself again.


End file.
